Nerd Alert: Laughing at Twitter

I realize only four of you who read this also tweet (you know who you are my lovely nerd friends) but OMG this is hilarious. So hilarious I am taking a moment out of my late lunch to share it with you.

Summary: Twitter launched a new interface that includes "brand pages" that someone like me managing a company's social media should hypothetically be really excited about. Except I'm not and this blogger does a bang up job of explaining why.

Via Why Twitter Brand Pages Are Pointless

Twitter introduced brand pages.

Some people say it will be a game changer. Those people are idiots. It won't be a game changer, because nobody uses Twitter.com for tweeting, or at least they shouldn't be.

...

A tweet scrolls across my "All Friends Column:"

"My lap is full of napping cat. I'm hungry, but if I disturb Mr. Fluffy Pants, he won't forget the transgression."

I am powerless against only two things: tweets with bacon in them and kitty cuteness. Naturally, I'd want to reply with something along the lines of:

Order pizza for delivery, explain your dire situation, and have them bring it to your chair. #catnapfever


But then I look at the bottom of their tweet and my enthusiasm for replying plummets. I see the date, time, and then "via Web," which is code for, "The bleeding idiot is STILL using Twitter on a browser, probably the horrific IE 9, and will be oblivious to your reply. Don't even bother. They obviously have no self-respect, probably have criminal records, and think the "Oxford comma" is a pretentious bit of punctuation. In short, they are heathens. I blame their parents."

So I move on.

...

There are only three reasons to ever open a browser and use Twitter:

1. You are on some strange computer in a library, computer cafe, or at your friend's house. (The one who mocks your use of social media and prefers to do things "outdoors" with people.)
2. You are popping in to see what changes it's made and you have no intent of staying more than 37 seconds.
3. You've recently suffered a massive head wound and don't know any better.

I'm not a religious person, but I believe Leviticus 5:9 says, "Thou shalt not use Twitter to tweet, lest they spend all of eternity in hell, listening to Justin Bieber tracks, with a gaggle of pre-teen girls." I think it comes right after the passage about, "Thou shall pick one avatar and stick to it, or your followers won't know who you are and will think you've died in a horrible llama herding accident."